Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Amidst the storm raging in my mind, I'm reminded of a time when being carefree was an everyday thing. Waking up in the morning eager to start the next adventure. Adventure is out there!! (quoted from Up)
But over time, life deals you sucky cards and you just start to worry about everything. Friendships, school, life. But the funny thing is that these things didn't just appear as we got older. They have been there since our carefree days. Did we just wake up one day and thought... omg, what if??
what if my life isn't going anywhere??
what if i never get to see this person again?
what if tomorrow never comes?
But what if life never dealt those sucky cards?? would we just live like kids?? maybe along the way we just realised there are things close to our heart that we guard and keep. We realise and acknowledge life for what it is. In a way i'm glad. Carefree or not. Somehow i believe its better to feel than not to feel at all. Otherwise there would be no meaning.
Weird?? I say something is up.
Its been a long lay off. (as usual)
But today, i feel the urge to write. At this unearthly hour, i will myself to write. Why you ask?? Because words allow me express unspoken feelings bottled up and stashed away from sight for long periods of time. Feelings otherwise potentially explosive and combustible.
You know the expression good guys finish last?? well i discovered that it may just have some credibility. Forgive me for thinking i'm a good guy... but hey, i try. Beats not trying at all right?
But sometimes it can be discouraging when people take advantage of your predisposition. You question why try? when people don't appreciate it but instead they play it like a joke.
One thing's for sure.. it hurts... good guy, bad guy... no difference we bleed the same... so why expose yourself to rejection when being a bad guy seems to get you farther? Sure you get mistreated as well.. but well you kinda expect it..
That's a thought that has significance... you expect it...
hmmmm.. thinking it over... why should the 'good guys' expect good treatment???
Well they shouldn't. Being good and expecting something in return would mean ulterior motive.
Where does that put the good guy then?? not so good after all.. so technically they should expect harsh treatment...
Well it doesn't matter anyhow... It's been a timely reminder of what motivates me to be who i want to be.
Because He first loved me.
Friday, July 31, 2009
"Time for what??"
"Stop acting dumb.You know exactly what i mean and you know i know it."
"Okay, okay, you don't have to be so ... so ... never mind. Fine. I'll just do it. As long as you stop giving me that guilt-inducing look. Deal??"
"Hmmmm, *twiddle* I think I'll just do it tomorrow. We are coming online tomorrow aren't we?"
"You don't want to do it do you?? It's okay, just let your blog rot away. Disappointing your 10 registered followers time and again. You know just as well as i do (of course) that someday they'll just stop checking for updates and it will all just fade into oblivion. Oooh i just spotted a cyber rat chewing at your page!! Oh well. It is what it is."
"*silence* *cracks knuckles and types..* "
And so, as you can see, that was a little conversation between me and well.... the other me. I know what you're thinking! Of course it's possible! It happened in my head, well sorta. (No, I'm not crazy.) The other me is talking in yellow. Look at it! Ain't it pretty??
Somehow i feel like my blog seems to sound more and more like a broken record. It always seems to start with "I'm sorry it's been so long since my last update....".
Well, not like it was on purpose. To be exact, i haven't really been in the blogging mood of the late. Ironically, there has been tonnes of stories to tell.
Life has been tiring if not anything. But it has certainly been rewarding this past few months. I'm done with mid year exams and in fact trials are up soon. ( i really should start revising now) I did well, i think. 3 A's and an A-. CGPA 3.92 (cheh wah bangganya!!) Really kicking myself about PA. I did close to nothing to prepare for it with the other papers taking so much of my time. (more like nothing at all) Somehow my second paper saved me from the shame i deserve. Nevertheless it was all down to God's grace and i really thank him for it.
Well, for the past few months its been kinda monotonous. Go to school... come back from school... do homework... watch tv (lots) ...sleep... erm... yup in that order for months. The whole experience was sapping and at times i wondered what i was doing. It was like swimming across still waters for hours and hours and when you look up to see where you are... and all you see is an endless body of water surronding you. But then came our Muet Plays!!! Muahahahaha I see an island at last!!!
Not surprisingly, i "volunteered" to be the director. So much for being my island. Imagine the work i had to do!! but then i thought, " hey, it's the last time i'd get to do something like this" and everything didn't seem so gloomy after that. The parody of King Lear, chosen over the everybody-is-doing-it Romeo and Juliet was a blast!! Practice was equally as fun with Iskandarians being the typical people we are, filled the corridors of the form 6 block with laughter.
The day came and we made a clean sweep of all the prizes!!! (ahem) ... well, almost. Best Performance, best performer and best director!!! weeeeeeeeeee!!! So fun. Did i ever tell you that winning is fun?? Well, not the whole point. But it's still fun =)
After that day, i was refreshed. I got off my island energised and ready to swim another thousand miles.
You know, sometimes, in life you feel so small. When you look up into the night sky, and see the beautiful stars. The sheer size of the vast galaxy hits you and you feel tiny, unimportant. After all, I'm just a little speck. But then, you stare a little more and you realise another fact. He cares for me all the same. Together, the two realisations form something even more amazing. He cares for me even though physically, I'm nothing but a speck. He cares for me enough to send me a little motivation when i'm going through what seems like a mundane routine (how insignificant but yet...) - reminding me of the purpose in my life. Gosh, that makes me feel great.
I thank Him because He cares and loves. ( we sure are lucky)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Its been say more than 2 months since i made a proper post and i guess i could say a lot has happened. For one, my monthly test is over and done with... phew... and you know what??? i gt all A's!!! yay... first time in my form 6 life!! doesn't really matter much though... its just a monthly test... wasn't really satisfied with how i did in bio.... lotsa things i still need to focus on.. but life has been good.. been having some fun times in form 6... just a few days ago, polis trafik had their station games and i had a blast... somehow i managed to play 'captain ball' even as a referee!! and we won 6-3. Couldn't resist ourselves. (Tiffany, Chee Kang and I)
Devar... you couldn't do anything about it.... haha... Well, that was really fun considering the last time i played it was in 2003.... but gosh was it tough to handle the event.... i literally lost my voice as it broke every time i tried to tell the crowd something... but it was cool anyhow...
You know, it has been more than half a year since i started form 6 and to be honest, I am really proud of myself. Looking back i realize how much i've grown as a person and it has been something i have been trying to do for a long time. Being quiet and timid all my life i guess i always wanted to be a little bolder and maybe be a lil more outgoing like my sis. And you know, i'm so glad i chose form 6 over JPA. I have absolutely no regrets. I truly believe that God led me to the right people at the right place and at the right time. I have come to know really wonderful people that i actually feel comfortable with and that was just what i needed. Somehow going to form 6 liberated me of all the images of what i should be and who i was that people expected me to be. I wouldn't blame them either. For a long time i thought of myself just as the quiet guy who didn't have much to offer. Somehow that image really stuck and it even made me believe that that was all i was. But now i feel more comfortable with myself and i'm having more fun than i ever had. Well all i can say is that i still have a long way to go... still learning to be all that God wants me to be. I really really thank God for my form 6 friend who have just been the best... tolerating my weird personality and stuff... As i said... form 6 ain't too bad after all.
Well... i haven't really changed that much. I am still the old me. The me that my friends from bukit mewah have come to know is still there. Maybe the packaging though has changed quite a bit.
Well, i guess i just wanted to share a bit about my form 6 experience and how thankful i am in all things. What i've learned is that u need not be who people want you to be. Life is too short to not be yourself. Well, To all those people just like me who like to fade into the comfort of the corners... its ok to come out and show your true self to the world.... and you know why?? ....because people love you all the same..
Friday, March 6, 2009
Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.
Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail,
That brings our friends up from the underworld,
Sad as the last which reddens over one
That sinks with all we love below the verge ;
So sad, so fresh, the days that are no more.
Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns
The earliest pipe of half-awakened birds
To dying ears, when unto dying eyes
The casement slowly grows a glimmering square ;
So sad, so strange, the days that are no more.
Dear as remembered kisses after death,
And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned
On lips that are for others ; deep as love,
Deep as first love, and wild with all regret ;
O Death in Life, the days that are no more.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley - Ernest Hemmingway
Just thought it was really cool... so i posted it to keep my blog alive.. until i can really make a post myself... by the way, "Invictus" means unconquered in latin... so here it is... I am the master of my fate : the captain of my soul... though i don't quite agree with that... its cool all the same
Friday, January 9, 2009
Have you not heard of The Curse?? The one so horrendous that it sucks years out of the life of its pitiable victims... The curse is none other than.... The Curse of Monitorship!!!!
Well, i guess that's enough of drama.. But it is indeed true... i have been LIBERATED!!! No more Mr. Monitor!! One cannot begin to imagine my relief!! And seriously.. i'm not exaggerating.. it IS a curse... one that has refused to let go of me for many years... but alas ... justice has prevailed...
Let me give you all a little lesson on the history of The Curse.. it came like a thief in the night ... carefully picking out the quiet 10 year old boy in the corner of the class as its chosen one... no one would expect the post of Assistant Monitor to be a curse... After all it was just a year long ordeal... however its hold on the chosen one grew stronger the very next year as the curse manifested itself again in the form of the Monitor post.. As the curse gradually established its power, the young boy figured something was up and started making counter measures ( begging friends not to vote) to combat what seemed to be a doomed destiny.. His efforts seemed to have altered his fate ... up until he was chosen again.. though this time as the treasurer....
As the boys life as a primary school student ended.. he looked forward to greener pastures in a different school... And all was well with him at the time... well, that is for about half a year... though he thought it was safe when he steered clear of any obligations that year, to his horror... the current monitor resigned to take up the life of prefectship.. That was when The Curse made its point clear as it continued its strange-hold over the boy for the next year and a half...
As a 15 year old... the chosen one decided to fight back.. and with a little help from his class teacher .. Their efforts made him safe for a while.. the curse though had plans of its own.. unable to struggle completely free he was appointed yet again as the Assistant for half the year before taking up the monitor post the following year...
the distraught young man of 16... was at wits end and decided to finally use the double-edged sword he had been saving... the one which had served monitors before him well... He decided to be..... *gasps* a PREFECT!!! What had driven this young man to such drastic measures that he had purposefully (escaping the curse) became a prefect? Rumors had it that he was worried of the extent of the curse's power as it started to manifest itself in the lives of his siblings..
However, all good things come to an end. Successful as it seemed, the curse merely remained dormant until the opportune moment... Unprotected by the obligations of prefectship, he was again at the mercy of the curse as it showed its ugly face once again in the boy's lower 6 life... against all odds ( the boy missed orientation week) the curse bound him for another year... ( more like half a year but i swear it felt like one )
When finally the boy had resigned to the fact... When he had finally decided it was pointless to ask why... he suddenly found himself free in UPPER 6!! (though as treasurer) What a miracle!! Clearly elated, the boy looks forward to spending his last year in school CURSELESS though he does mourn the pitiful replacements who seem like saviours to him...
Note: This is no work of fiction.