Somehow i always have the urge to change people. I feel like walking right up to them and tell them... "this is how you should live your life."
All this while i had the notion that it was always for their own good. I was helping them. I have the best intentions. But the more i think about it... its a very selfish thing to do. Advising then demanding and almost expecting that they change. Such arrogance i must say.
But that's just not how life works isn't it?
I look in the mirror and I am ashamed. Maybe some part of me needs to feel like i'm helping out in a noble way. Selfishness. Just to feed my own emotional insecurities.
I really don't think it started off this way. But i guess somewhere along the lines.. the true intentions got blurred out. It's sad that it got this way. But I'm glad i came to my senses. After all.. a clear conscience is the best mattress.
For the first time in my life i could foresee days which i knew very well would break my spirit. Days shrouded with blackness so much so that i didn't want to face it. Almost a month long without break or a chance to just savor the completion of something. I didn't like it at all. I knew i would be stressed out.. i knew i would have insufficient sleep... i knew my studies will suffer... But mostly because i knew i would become somebody i didn't like... snappy, naggy, grumpy tim..
I even pre-warned close friends. But God was good.
He sent me angels to keep me going all throughout the time. Like sweet reminders and boosts of happiness and encouragement. I owe it to my friends and family XD
Seriously.. it was all i had to keep me from breaking down. And I'm really not kidding. There were times where i wanted to run out and break something. I was even entertaining thoughts of being knocked down so that i wouldn't have to face the days.
When i came home last week... i was close to tears... no exaggeration. God is just so so good.. Reminds me.. you don't tell God how big your problem is... you tell your problem how big God is...
God is awesome!